1.2 "If I had a pitchfork..."

It's simple: If I had a pitchfork, I'd find "Dan Martin (NME journalist) and chase him down. I wouldn't KILL him, that's not the person I am these days, but I think with a pitchfork in hand, he'd be frightened enough to explain why he's an insufferable asshole of a journalist.

I should explain the situation, before everyone inevitably rallies to my cause. Coldplay's new album, "Mylo Xyloto" dropped October 24th, and it's received what I'd call "favorable to extremely positive" reviews. Some call it a masterpiece, others a good follow up, few call it a letdown. Little Danny, however, decides to open his excuse of a review with a paragraph about Chris Martin's personal life, (a subject Martin himself LOATHES discussing, he walked out of a radio interview in NYC this week) and caps that off with a claim that Coldplay were dismissed initially as a "less-interesting Starsailor".

Now that's assinine for a couple reasons, but the chief one being this: WHO THE FUCK ARE STARSAILOR? They're nobodies, especially anywhere but the UK. Their first single charted almost a year after Coldplay had released "Yellow" (which charted in a little market Starsailor never really cracked... The US.), and they didn't fare much better after that anyway. Did you know they've had four albums? Nope. Clearly, they're about as interesting as watching paint dry. Noel Gallagher only ever had time to call their lead singer "a cock". Pretty high praise.

Coldplay have always been compared to Radiohead's early work, because when Coldplay appeared on the scene, Radiohead had just released "Kid A", and they didn't really sound like Radiohead anymore, did they? They'd become something else, and LAZY SHITTY journalists at NME had to crown "the next Radiohead" to sell toilet paper magazines. Enter Coldplay in the eyes of NME. Anyone with a brain knows the two are leagues apart, but again, not a concern to NME.

I digress. Dan Martin procedes in his review to bombard Coldplay's reputation and continues to undermine their many impressive achievements, backhanded compliment here, journalistic contradiction here, etc. It's a miracle the man is PAID to write this. "‘Major Minus’ occasionally threatens to erupt into a grunge anthem.". A grunge anthem? Really? Is this 1993? Just because "Nevermind" got reissued (covered to DEATH by NME) this year doesn't mean grunge is reviving. Who writes a grunge anthem with a chorus that goes "ooh ooh"?

But it's when he nears the end of the review that he really screws the proverbial pooch: "But far, far too many of the songs – ‘Us Against The World’, ‘A Hopeful Transmission’, ‘Don’t Let It Break Your Heart’ – are as cruelly magnolia as anything else in their catalogue." Folks, I don't know if you've listened to "Mylo" yet (do yourself the favor, I'll be mentioning it enough), but "A Hopeful Transmission"? It's a 33 second ambient instrumental that bridges the bleakest moment on the album with, in my opinion, it's greatest track. HOW CAN A 33 SECOND INSTRUMENTAL BE CRUELLY MAGNOLIA? AND WHEN DID MAGNOLIA BECOME THE WORD TO USE TO DESCRIBE BLATANT EMOTION?

I was confused and outraged at that. It's like he didn't even listen to the album. And yet, one mere sentence later, it all makes sense: "On the vague and hypnotic ‘Princess Of China’, Rihanna once again proves that badass and fabulous as she is on her own records, she’s hopelessly uncompelling on other people’s." I see now!

This man, paid to write music reviews for what was once considered NOT a smut rag, and an actual credible source of journalism, is a Rihanna fan. And I'm sorry, but if Rihanna is considered fabulous, then how did Coldplay not score a 12/10? They write their own tunes! Rihanna grows more and more a crafted image every single day. Remember what she was like BEFORE Lady Gaga? She wasn't constantly singing about dick, I can tell you that much! She's been manufactured and marketed to compete with the other idiots occupying the Top 40, and heaven forbid Coldplay should try to water down her integrity!

To be fair, "Sex in the air baby, I love the smell of it" is a much better line than "Through chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world". They're both about... love?

Honestly, I've had my fair share of squabbles with NME. But it's their backhanded, backstabbing journalism that has got my goat for the last time. You can read a giant expose on the sound of a bands new album on one page, then turn the page to find them on a list of the most boring acts in music today. It's nonsense! If you want to pull punches and hate something, do it. But don't act all smiles like that. Q Magazine is guilty of that, it's got great contents info-wise, but they won't stand for anything. And you know what? I like Q.

NME's Albums of the Decade should simply have been the top 10 albums from their yearly list from the years 2000-2009. Instead, it was garbage, half of it sat from 2008 and 2009! Albums that have barely stood any test of time. In 2002, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" was NME's ALBUM OF THE YEAR! And it didn't make the list. It's ridiculous. They've done the same things to Kings of Leon, golden boys who can't get the time of day anymore when it comes to journalistic respect, but hey, if they need a cover story, NME's ready to shake your hand and pull a "Bryan Cranston in 'Drive'" on you as soon as you relax your grip. (HUGE points for anyone who knows what that is)

Pat Bateman would know what to do with Dan Martin

So this is it: I'm done with NME professionally. Like the Christian Bale's before me, "we're done man, we're through, McG control your crew, he's diddling around in the shot, da dada dada, and we're trying to shoot a bloody scene, Bryce is right here and he's walkin' around behind, da dada dada, no NO! You calm down!" Seriously though, they can report me the news, but I will not buy another issue of that smut rag until something changes. I've been buying NME for almost 10 years, but I can't stand it any more. Utter garbage, and it's Dan Martin's blatant idiocy that led me to it.


Today's Tunes: Coldplay "Mylo Xyloto" (album), Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds (album), The Black Keys "Lonely Boy", Brandon Flowers "Flamingo" (album), The National "High Violet" (album)


PS. PITCHFORK MEDIA, HATERS OF ALL MAINSTREAM MUSIC, GAVE IT A 7.0/10, THE HIGHEST THEY'VE EVER RATED COLDPLAY. NME fucked up. (This last one slipped out.)